Write through this. That's what they say. But, what do you do when you're so unfocused on anything else other than what is staring you right in the face 24 hours a day. You wake up, it's there. You go to sleep, it's there. You dream, it's there in your nightmare. Does it require a revolver to set the times right. A sleek cool barrel of a gun to quieten the maelstrom of mind. Doubtful it's worth all of that. But, time is a killer. Time will eventually kill all of this, this madness, this hurt, this doubt, and this confusion of soul.
I should know better. I know to walk along the straight and narrow path, but at times, the venues off to the side are so enticing and desirable. It's worth it to explore them occasionally, but typically I find that they lead only to heartache. I'm having a hard time climbing back up on that ridge that runs along the hillside, it's a steep slope I've toppled from and I'll be damned if I can climb back up there. There's too much stuff down in this ravine, too many sharp rocks and too many little flowers that I just want to pick and hold onto forever.
 It all happens when you're least expecting it. Whether you're inebriated, not paying attention, or on track for something else, suddenly you've fallen into a ravine and you're struggling to climb back up to the path you were on before you got yourself down in a mess. Sooner or later, you find a way out of it, usually with a great amount of difficulty. Usually, you're scarred up from climbing back up that hillside, all gashes and bleeding, scars that won't be healing up for a long time. I guess it's better than you fall off the path sometimes, better that you are knocked outside your comfort zone just to see what things could be like if you find a nice ravine that you can just live inside of forever. Maybe there's a little cabin down there with a nice warm fire that you don't ever want to leave. Or maybe, just maybe you topple down into a ravine and you're able to climb out of it unscathed and stand beside another who has fallen themselves and knows a bit about picking yourself up and dusting off and moving on down that path further until the next time some rock in the path dislodges and you fall into the unknown.  I guess for me, well.. I just know at the end, whatever shit I go through, it's all worth it.

Yeah it's all worth it.

Hah. Nothing beats the hard truth of life. Damn singapore..I fucking hate you

Pretty dead blog. Maybe it's a good thing though, so I only pen down certain times of my life. I don't know what exactly am I doing at the moment. Am I doing the things I think I love, or am I just doing it for the sake of it? School. Damn, you're a bummer. Draining every bit of me slowly, submissions and time. TIME. Just the thing I need. More time. Fucking submissions. Friends. I'm so blessed to be with you guys, but I don't know.. something inside me just seems to be a burden, and I don't know what it is. Something bout this circle of friendship is..... that's the problem, I don't know. Something seems hidden. Secrets. Sigh, another bummer. Unrevealed truth and hurt, I sense it all. Family. You're here, but you're not here. Where did all the laughter go.... Or, what the fuck am I doing, that I'm causing this inevitable distant? Love. Honestly, I don't know what I'm really thinking.Options Options Options, Priorities Priorities Priorities. Am I making the right decision? Having someone enter my life, gee.. Commitments. I CAN. Really. But I guess at the moment, the question's should I?S Should I take this risk... I really don't want to let a girl mess my life up,AGAIN.The worst part? You just had to come at the right time, being the awesome and lovely you, sweeping me away. And gosh I'm mad for you. But....Sigh. I really really really don't know what to do. All I do know, is that you're worth the risk. You're such a big decision, really.

And You. Umpteen times I've said " I love you." Umpteen times I failed You. You've never failed me though, so what am I doing? What am i thinking? I can't face You, really. 

Someone shared, 

God asked, " My dear, What have you done for me?"
She replied, " I've shared Your Word to others, brought them to faith. I'm a diligent believer of Christ."
God asked again, " And? "
She replied, " Well.. I've done missionaries, shared with others, and donated to many."
God asked again, " And? "
This time, she realized and broke down.

So what have I really done for God? Is this enough..?
I finally realized why she broke down. And it made me feel so so so bitter inside.
How can I say to my family, my friends, my loved ones, that I love them, and how can I can say that I've done things that did good to people, when I've not given them the same LOVE that God gave me? How can I say that I love someone, when its CONDITIONAL? 

Corinthians 13

1 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

What love, have I given?

"What have you done for Me?"

I don't know.
I really dont.